1. How many times have I told you...?
The Problem: If you've said it more than once and the behavior is unchanged, either you haven't attached an appropriate disciplinary action or, worse, you haven't been true to your word and followed through. Notice that I said "an appropriate disciplinary action." Sometimes we get so exasperated with our brood that we say outlandish things upon which we all know we have no intention of following through. You just blew a big hole in your credibility to your kids.
The Fix: The great news is that this is not a complicated fix. The bad news is that it is hard. You didn't demolish your authority in one day and you won't gain it back overnight, either. You have to be deliberate, consistent, and honest.
Being deliberate in your discipline means that you don't just dole out threats willy-nilly (do people still say "willy-nilly"?) and respond in the heat of the moment. If that means that you have to tell your child to please go to the other room while you decide what will be an appropriate way to deal with their behavior, then do so. If you suspect that this action with cause them to create a bigger problem for you, (i.e. making a giant mess or being destructive in their room, throwing a giant fit, etc.) be sure you have decided on a game plan ahead of time and warn them of the consequences. Remind them of those consequences every time you think they may act out. I found it particularly helpful to focus on patterns of behavior that I wanted to change in my kids, and actually discussing it with them. I asked, "What do you think would be an appropriate consequence for leaving your clothes and towels all over the bathroom floor?" Surprisingly, they answered with things like, "Cleaning the bathroom," and "Folding all the towels." I didn't necessarily want to make household responsibilities into dreaded chores, so we ended up choosing something different, but I was impressed with their ability to connect the behavior with a related consequence.
Being consistent can be tough. When we just want to go to dinner at our friends' house and have some grown up conversation, making the decision to stay home and follow through on discipline feels like we're the one being punished. Too bad. I say that with the deepest sense of humility and sympathy possible! It is genuinely a sad and unfortunate situation when our social lives are disrupted by poor behavior. However, I think we all know the long-term results of a child who never has to be accountable for their actions. We see it in Hollywood and in the prison system all the time. It is not pretty. This is where my previous point comes into play. Do not make an empty threat. If you say, "We won't go over to Tommy's for dinner and a movie if you don't clean your room by 5:30," you had better the prepared to stay home and endure the wailing and begging that will likely ensue. This is very likely if you have made concessions in the past to accommodate your own social needs. Trust me, as a single mom, this is my number one greatest dilemma. I have given the kids a pass and spent the next several weeks trying to recoup. It is definitely not worth it to me. You can always make a consequence that you know you can stick with: If your room isn't clean by the time we have to leave to go to Tommy's, you will not watch cartoons tomorrow, even after your room is clean. Instead you will finish cleaning your room and then you will fold and put away laundry with me. Added bonus: laundry folding is an important skill, and an opportunity for some quality time. Quality time doesn't always mean playing at the park or a major event. Sometimes it's just talking about life with your kid over some mundane task.
Honesty may seem like a no-brainer. Sometimes, though, it requires a little (okay, a lot) of humility. Telling your kids, "Guys, I have been trying to do things the easy way and it is making our family really out of balance. We can't live in chaos; it's making me really unhappy and your behavior is out of hand. I know that out of control feeling doesn't make you feel happy or safe, either. I'm the parent, so it's my job to make sure you're growing up right. I've let you get into some bad habits and I'm sorry, but we're going to change that and work on it together as a family." That is not the easiest speech to give, but when I gave it a couple of years ago for the first time (they've heard it more than once, I'll admit), my children were completely engaged and seemed excited about making positive changes. By the next day some of the enthusiasm had dwindled, but when I reminded them that our family was going to be happier, healthier, and have more time for family togetherness, they jumped right on board. Being forthcoming with them about that I was doing and the fact that I could no longer negotiate the consequences of their actions made my job a whole lot easier! When your only option is to accept the situation and work with it, you stop fighting. Kids want to know that the parents are in control. They need to trust and respect you. They really do need and want defined boundaries. This allows them to know the expectations and spend less time testing the limits and more time enjoying what they're able to do within them.
Parenting with grace and compassion can be challenging. Remember Christ's attitude toward us when He bore our burdens on the cross. It was all for love. We are created to be image-bearers of that great love. Your kids need to see that in action! You are their first exposure to God. Many children develop their early opinion of the Father based on their parents. As adults, they may find it difficult to establish their own relationship with Him if their relationship with you is one of distrust. You still have time to establish a better pattern! I am praying for you daily. Keep wandering aimfully...
The Problem: If you've said it more than once and the behavior is unchanged, either you haven't attached an appropriate disciplinary action or, worse, you haven't been true to your word and followed through. Notice that I said "an appropriate disciplinary action." Sometimes we get so exasperated with our brood that we say outlandish things upon which we all know we have no intention of following through. You just blew a big hole in your credibility to your kids.
The Fix: The great news is that this is not a complicated fix. The bad news is that it is hard. You didn't demolish your authority in one day and you won't gain it back overnight, either. You have to be deliberate, consistent, and honest.
Being deliberate in your discipline means that you don't just dole out threats willy-nilly (do people still say "willy-nilly"?) and respond in the heat of the moment. If that means that you have to tell your child to please go to the other room while you decide what will be an appropriate way to deal with their behavior, then do so. If you suspect that this action with cause them to create a bigger problem for you, (i.e. making a giant mess or being destructive in their room, throwing a giant fit, etc.) be sure you have decided on a game plan ahead of time and warn them of the consequences. Remind them of those consequences every time you think they may act out. I found it particularly helpful to focus on patterns of behavior that I wanted to change in my kids, and actually discussing it with them. I asked, "What do you think would be an appropriate consequence for leaving your clothes and towels all over the bathroom floor?" Surprisingly, they answered with things like, "Cleaning the bathroom," and "Folding all the towels." I didn't necessarily want to make household responsibilities into dreaded chores, so we ended up choosing something different, but I was impressed with their ability to connect the behavior with a related consequence.
Being consistent can be tough. When we just want to go to dinner at our friends' house and have some grown up conversation, making the decision to stay home and follow through on discipline feels like we're the one being punished. Too bad. I say that with the deepest sense of humility and sympathy possible! It is genuinely a sad and unfortunate situation when our social lives are disrupted by poor behavior. However, I think we all know the long-term results of a child who never has to be accountable for their actions. We see it in Hollywood and in the prison system all the time. It is not pretty. This is where my previous point comes into play. Do not make an empty threat. If you say, "We won't go over to Tommy's for dinner and a movie if you don't clean your room by 5:30," you had better the prepared to stay home and endure the wailing and begging that will likely ensue. This is very likely if you have made concessions in the past to accommodate your own social needs. Trust me, as a single mom, this is my number one greatest dilemma. I have given the kids a pass and spent the next several weeks trying to recoup. It is definitely not worth it to me. You can always make a consequence that you know you can stick with: If your room isn't clean by the time we have to leave to go to Tommy's, you will not watch cartoons tomorrow, even after your room is clean. Instead you will finish cleaning your room and then you will fold and put away laundry with me. Added bonus: laundry folding is an important skill, and an opportunity for some quality time. Quality time doesn't always mean playing at the park or a major event. Sometimes it's just talking about life with your kid over some mundane task.
Honesty may seem like a no-brainer. Sometimes, though, it requires a little (okay, a lot) of humility. Telling your kids, "Guys, I have been trying to do things the easy way and it is making our family really out of balance. We can't live in chaos; it's making me really unhappy and your behavior is out of hand. I know that out of control feeling doesn't make you feel happy or safe, either. I'm the parent, so it's my job to make sure you're growing up right. I've let you get into some bad habits and I'm sorry, but we're going to change that and work on it together as a family." That is not the easiest speech to give, but when I gave it a couple of years ago for the first time (they've heard it more than once, I'll admit), my children were completely engaged and seemed excited about making positive changes. By the next day some of the enthusiasm had dwindled, but when I reminded them that our family was going to be happier, healthier, and have more time for family togetherness, they jumped right on board. Being forthcoming with them about that I was doing and the fact that I could no longer negotiate the consequences of their actions made my job a whole lot easier! When your only option is to accept the situation and work with it, you stop fighting. Kids want to know that the parents are in control. They need to trust and respect you. They really do need and want defined boundaries. This allows them to know the expectations and spend less time testing the limits and more time enjoying what they're able to do within them.
Parenting with grace and compassion can be challenging. Remember Christ's attitude toward us when He bore our burdens on the cross. It was all for love. We are created to be image-bearers of that great love. Your kids need to see that in action! You are their first exposure to God. Many children develop their early opinion of the Father based on their parents. As adults, they may find it difficult to establish their own relationship with Him if their relationship with you is one of distrust. You still have time to establish a better pattern! I am praying for you daily. Keep wandering aimfully...
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